


Smooshy

by neveryou



Category: The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Gratuitous Quoting of Philosophers, I think I'm funny so whatever, It's what I was studying at the time okay, Laundry Tips, M/M, Pre-Slash, The language in this is pretentious af but try not to pay attention to that, mentions of animal neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 02:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11750151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveryou/pseuds/neveryou
Summary: Orlando has a crush, and he and Viggo get Smooshy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is old and unfinished but whatever anyway. Not real and junk.

“Dude!”

Elijah bounced into the elves’ makeup trailer where Orlando was trying to get the rest of the gelatin out of his left ear. Even after six months, he still couldn’t understand how Elijah managed to have so much energy at the end of the day. “Lij, we just shot for ten hours. How can you possibly be bouncing?”

“Um, natural youthful exuberance?” Elijah ventured.

“More like about a gallon of Mountain Dew,” Liv piped up from the next chair where her wig was being removed. 

“Aw, c’mon Livvie,” Elijah planted a kiss on her cheek. “You know you love me.”

Liv smiled wearily. “Yes, Lij, but you make me feel positively ancient.”

“Sorry babe, but you can’t fight nature,” Elijah chirped with a wink. Liv snorted and stuck her nose back into the Italian Vogue in her lap.

Orlando picked the last bit of gook out of his ear. “Come on Lij, walk me over to wardrobe and leave Liv in peace.” He winked at Liv and pulled Elijah out the door after him.

“You know, Lij,” Orlando said dryly, “one of these days she’s going to bean you upside the head with her shoe or something.”

“Livvie? Nah, she loves me.” Elijah batted his eyes coyly, “I do have a way with the ladies, you know.”

As they rounded the corner they were met by the other three Hobbits. Orlando couldn’t help but laugh at the difference in their respective appearances. “Sean, you look like something the cat dragged in.”

“After it already caught it, ate it, and threw it back up again,” Dominic helpfully added.

Sean just grunted. “He’s had a rough day,” Billy offered.

“Up all night with the baby again?” Orlando asked.

Sean just grunted.

Billy laughed softly, “Come on, Sean, me and Dom will drop you home.” Billy steered an obviously exhausted Sean away toward the parking lot.

“Well, I guess that’s my cue,” Dom said. “Are we still on for later?”

“Remind me again, what’s later?” Orlando asked.

Elijah, who was rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, rather obnoxiously, as far as Orlando was concerned, said, “Tonight’s the night we’re invited out with the grown-ups, duh. We’re going over to Viggo’s for, um, whatever it is that Viggo does.”

Billy yelled over his shoulder, “It’s poker and if you want a ride, Dom, get your arse in gear.”

Dom grinned and trotted off after Billy and Sean. “See you guys later!”

Elijah waved to his fellow hobbits and then whirled around to fix his gaze on Orlando. “So, Viggo’s, huh?”

Orlando scrubbed a hand over his face, “Look, Elijah, I’m not in the mood right now and I really need to get out of this costume, so let’s just go over to wardrobe so I can go home and catch a nap.”

“Nap, hmmmm,” Elijah said, grinning. “Trying to regain your strength for LATER?” Elijah waggled his eyebrows and poked Orlando in the stomach.

“I swear, Lij,” Orlando muttered, “if you so much as hint at this particular subject any more tonight, I will smack you into the middle of next week.”

“Aww, is wittle Orwi a bit sensitive about his cwush?” Elijah cooed.

Orlando cuffed Elijah in the back of the head. 

“Ow!” Elijah sputtered, “What was that for?”

“For not knowing when to shut up.” Orlando told him. “Now, I’m going to wardrobe and you are going somewhere else.”

“Fine,” Elijah was pouting now. “I guess I’ll just go home and call my mom. I know SHE’LL want to talk to me.”

Orlando waved as he trudged toward wardrobe. “See you later.”

Elijah huffed as he spun on his heel and stomped off toward his car. Orlando rolled his eyes at the retreating figure. He knew Elijah would be fine in an hour, so he didn’t feel bad about not going after him. Sometimes being friends with Elijah Wood was an awful lot of work.

“He’s quite the drama queen sometimes, eh?” Orlando almost jumped out of his skin as Sean Bean came up next to him.

“Christ, Sean, you scared me half to death!” Orlando laughed.

Sean smiled, “I’m surprised you have the energy to be scared. I, for one, am completely knackered.”

Orlando nodded his agreement, “Yeah, PJ really kicked us around today. Sometimes I wonder if the man ever sleeps.”

Sean laughed and the two walked on in silence. Comfortable silence, Orlando thought. He and Sean got along well. Their acting styles were pretty similar, probably due to the fact that they had both had years of formal training. Sean never made Orlando feel like the new kid on the block, even though the older man had infinitely more experience than Orlando. For this, Orlando was supremely grateful. When he was around Sean, he didn’t feel like he was in quite as far over his head as he did at other times.

Sean broke the silence, “You going over to Vig’s tonight?”

“I think so,” Orlando said, “You?”

“I have to,” Sean answered, “Cate’s got all my money.”

They arrived at the wardrobe tent and each man went to his respective wardrobe assistant. When they were both dressed in street clothes, Sean asked if Orlando needed a ride.

“Yes, I guess I do”, he laughed. “I was supposed to go with Lij, but obviously that’s not going to happen.”

Sean clapped him on the shoulder, “Well, come on then. It’s not even close to being on my way home.”

Orlando raised his eyebrows, knowing Sean was joking. “Oh, gee, please, Sean. Don’t make me walk all that way. You never know what could happen to me.”

“What,” Sean winked at him, “your mum never told you not to take rides from strangers?”

They drove in weary silence toward the house Orlando shared with Hugo Weaving. Stuart Townsend had lived with them until he was replaced, and they hadn’t found another roommate. “So is Hugo still moping around about The Twerp?” Sean asked, somewhat sarcastically. “The Twerp” was Sean’s nickname for Stuart. 

Sean had known right from the beginning that Stuart wasn’t Aragorn, and wasn’t afraid to tell anyone who asked. Hugo, on the other hand, had become infatuated with the younger actor, and was quite upset when he left. Orlando had tried to remain as neutral as possible during the whole mess. He had liked Stuart, but agreed he wasn’t right for Aragorn. He did miss having someone closer to his own age in the house, but in the end, he had to admit he was glad he had been replaced.

By Viggo. 

The first time Orlando saw Viggo Mortensen, the older man had literally taken his breath away. Orlando simply could not breathe. Finally Billy had whacked him on the back and snapped him out of his stupor.

“Are you OK, Orli?” Billy had asked, looking concerned.

Orlando had coughed and choked out a “Yes” before finally tearing his eyes away from the force of nature that was Viggo. “Sorry, Bills, just spaced out for a moment.”

Billy had eyed him skeptically. He was irritatingly perceptive, and Orlando just hoped he hadn’t picked up on what Orlando was feeling. “All right, then,” Billy said, warily. “If you’re sure.”

Orlando had assured Billy that he was, indeed, fine and didn’t Billy have a scene to rehearse? Billy had walked off, casting a strange look over his shoulder at Orlando as he retreated. Billy never brought up the incident again, and Orlando had tried to become immune to Viggo’s  
presence, or at least look like he was. Of course, that didn’t stop Elijah from noticing, but as far as Orlando could tell, no one else knew about his secret fixation. And he wanted to keep it that way.

“Orlando?” Sean’s voice broke through Orlando’s reverie.

Orlando shook his head to clear it and sheepishly apologized to Sean, “Sorry. Guess I spaced out a bit there.”

Sean smiled, “Don’t worry about it. After today you’ve got a right to be a bit spacey.”

“Thanks, mate.” Orlando said, “So, anyway, Hugo is pretty much over the Stuart thing as far as I can tell. I think he fancies one of his council elves.”

“Aren’t they supposed to be his sons?” Sean asked with a grimace.

“Sean, you’re asking me a book question,” Orlando said. “You should know by now that all book questions should be directed to Phillippa or Fran. Or Viggo, I suppose. Or Peter. Or Chris or Ian." Sean raised an eyebrow and Orlando said, "so basically anybody but me."

“Sorry, sorry,” Sean said, “forgot where I was there for a second.” Just then they pulled into Orlando’s driveway. “Here you go.”

Orlando was a bit startled, “I didn’t realize we were here already.”

Sean chuckled, “I think you need a nap. Get some rest and I’ll see you later.”

“That’s my plan,” Orlando said with a weak smile. “Thanks for the ride, Sean.”

Sean drove off with a wave and Orlando trudged up the steps to his front door. After first trying the wrong key in the lock, he finally got the door open. He closed it behind him, threw his keys on the table, dropped his jacket on the floor, and started up the stairs to his bedroom. As he got to the door of his room, he thought “Woo-hoo! Bed!” but didn’t have the energy to say it out loud. He set the alarm so he wouldn’t sleep through the whole shindig, kicked off his shoes, and fell into bed, still fully clothed.


	2. Chapter 2

A few hours later, Orlando woke to the obnoxious sound of the alarm clock Elijah had given him after one too many mornings of having to drag him out of bed so they could get to the set on time. Instead of beeping, it crowed like a demented electronic rooster. It did serve its purpose, though, since once he heard the stupid rooster's crow it was impossible to go back to sleep.

Orlando hauled himself out of bed, stripping his clothes off on the way to the shower. As he stood under the hot spray, he decided he definitely felt much better than he had before his nap. When he was finished showering he dried himself off with one of the huge, fluffy towels his mother had sent. She apparently thought that Orlando had forgotten to pack any of his own and was also quite sure that there were no towels in the whole of New Zealand, because she had sent eight. They were really nice towels, though, and Orlando had to keep an eye on them so they didn’t “mysteriously” end up in Hugo’s bathroom. Actually, Orlando didn’t mind if he used them, it was just a little game they played with one another. Hugo always tried to steal Orlando’s towels, and Orlando was usually trying to make off with the older man’s extra pillows.

As he walked back into his bedroom, he noticed the message light on his answering machine blinking. He pressed the button and Elijah’s voice squawked out of the ancient box. “Orli, eight o'clock, later.” Orlando had to laugh out loud at Elijah’s message. The younger man had a strange habit of leaving the shortest message possible, and Orlando was fairly sure this was a new record. He’d have to make sure to mention it when Elijah showed up. He glanced at the clock and saw that he had about fifteen minutes to get himself ready. He put on clean boxers and stood in front of his closet, unsure of what to wear. He didn’t want to look like a slob, but if he tried too hard, someone, most likely Dominic, was sure to comment on it. He finally decided on his favorite jeans and a dark green t-shirt that was nicely broken in, but not ratty-looking. He finished off with the boots that Elijah referred to as his “Shit-kickers”. Orlando still wasn’t clear about the meaning of the term, so he just chalked it up as one of Elijah’s Iowa words. The fact that Elijah had Iowa words was a bit odd, considering the fact that the younger man hadn’t really lived there for very long, but Orlando had never really pursued the topic. He was pretty sure a long-winded, incredibly boring explanation would be required after such an inquiry. 

When he finished dressing he slicked a bit of gel through his hair and went down to the kitchen for a quick bite to eat. He hadn’t really eaten all day and drinking on an empty stomach was always a bad idea. He fixed himself an avocado and tomato sandwich and ate it standing at the counter. While he was eating, he noticed a piece of paper on the kitchen table.

“O.B.-  
Didn’t want to wake you, you looked like shit by the end of the day. If you come to Viggo’s I’ll see you there. Bye for now!  
-H.W.  
PS - Did you switch detergent again?”

Orlando chuckled. He was always in pursuit of the perfect smelling towel, and since fabric softener made them slightly waterproof he switched detergent on a fairly regular basis. So nice of Hugo to notice. Of course, Orlando was currently using one of Hugo’s pillows as a floor decoration, so he couldn’t really complain.

As he was finishing his sandwich the doorbell rang. Orlando knew it was Elijah, because he was the only one who used the bell. He also waited until someone came to let him in, which was really a pain sometimes. Apparently this was another one of those Iowa things. He chewed the last of his sandwich on the way to the door. He opened the door and there stood Elijah and Liv, looking like the cats who ate the canary. Orlando glared at the younger man, “You told her.”

Elijah barged into the house. Apparently “ladies first” wasn’t a theory he subscribed to. “Oh, Orli, what’s the big deal?” The hobbit flopped down on the sofa and picked up the nearest magazine, which happened to be Hugo’s latest issue of Out.

Orlando held the door and motioned for Liv to enter. “Don’t be mad, Orlando,” Liv said sweetly, “I sort of pried it out of him, and I promise not to say anything.”

Yeah, like he was going to get mad at an Elven princess. “It’s OK, Liv. I just don’t want it to turn into one of those seventh grade so-and-so wants you to ask such-and-such if he likes what’s-his-face kind of things.” 

Liv laughed as she sat down next to Elijah. “I think we can handle that.”

Elijah looked up from his article about Gale Harold, “Dude, are you even ready yet?”

Orlando made a mental note to talk to Elijah about his overuse of the word “dude”. “Keep your knickers on, nancy, I’ve just got to brush my teeth.” Orlando bounded up the stairs, feeling much better than he would have thought. He supposed if someone had to know, it might as well be Liv. She was a lot like his sister in many ways, so Orlando had been comfortable around her from the start. He brushed his teeth and ran his fingers through his hair. “Not too shabby, Bloom.” 

As he descended the staircase, he heard Liv trying to explain about Queer as Folk. “Forget it, Liv, they don’t get cable in Iowa”

“Bite me,” Elijah said with a grin. “Let’s get out of here.”

Orlando put on a jacket and they were out the door. Orlando locked it behind them and jumped over the railing to the ground, skipping the steps completely. “Jaysus, Orli, make a guy feel ancient, why don’t ya.” Orlando peered in the rear window of Elijah’s car and saw Dom, who was sleeping, and Billy, who was clutching his back very dramatically and feigning excruciating pain.

Orlando climbed into the back seat, sitting on Dom’s lap before promptly being shoved off into the center seat. “Fuck off, Orli,” Dom grumbled. Elijah started the car and said “Seat belt check.” Four “Check"’s rang out in unison. Elijah’s seat belt paranoia was well-known. 

Orlando wiggled around in his seat, trying to get comfortable. Elijah’s car was nothing if not small. “Fuck, Orli,” Dom snarled, “sit still!”

“Sorry Dom,” Orlando said, not looking a bit sorry. The four guys traded good-natured barbs while Liv laughed until tears streamed down her face at the “Hobbits and Orlando Show” as they drove the ten or so miles to Viggo’s house. Viggo had somehow snagged a house right on the beach, which the hobbits found supremely unfair. “He doesn’t even surf,” Elijah whined.

As they pulled up to the driveway, they could see that there were already a few people there. Elijah parked a block away and they walked over to Viggo's yard. Orlando was practically bouncing. Dominic noticed. “What the hell? Orli, are you on crack again?” Orlando simply grinned and continued to bounce. 

They reached the porch at the same time as Karl Urban. "Howdy ma'am, boys," he drawled, tipping his hat to Liv. 

Orlando noticed the other man's boots. "Cowboy tonight, eh Karl?” Karl had a few habits that were, to say the least, unusual. One of them was showing up at gatherings in full multiple-personality mode. Orlando's favorite so far had been the Japanese businessman at a picnic Peter and Fran had thrown one Sunday.

Billy was inspired by Karl's appearance and announced, "Let's go round up some doggies," which triggered an explanation from Elijah about the difference between doggies and dogies, because apparently living in Iowa for more than five minutes made a person an expert on the  
subject. By this point Dom was galloping around the yard slapping his ass and yelling "Rope me baby, rope me.” Liv just shook her head and went inside.

Karl grinned and said "Somethin' like that, pardner. How's about we go in and wet our whistles?"

"Sounds like a good idea," Orlando replied, casting a glance at the hobbits frolicking in the yard. "Should we round them up or just let 'em roam free?"

Karl just raised an eyebrow and cocked his head toward the door, "Let's mosey."

Orlando followed Karl up the steps to the front door. The older man was affecting what he apparently thought was a "cowboy" walk, though Orlando thought it looked mostly like Karl had jock itch.

The hobbits had noticed the exodus and came clambering up the steps. "Hey, Karl," Dom yelled, "ya got a fungus or what?"

Elijah disagreed, "It really looks more like he's got a fish in his pants.” The hobbits struck what Orlando thought of as their "hmm" pose and pondered for a moment. Karl was already well inside by this time, which didn't seem to matter to them one bit. Orlando rolled his eyes and walked through the open front door.


	3. Chapter 3

As Orlando crossed the threshold into Viggo's house he was immediately struck by the smell. It was sandalwood and oil paint with an undercurrent of what Orlando thought of as “Eau de Viggo”. It was a little bit spicy, a little bit musky, and irrefutably male. As he looked around, he saw that the whole place just looked like Viggo. On the right there was a simple kitchen and dining area, the focal point of which was a large bay window overlooking the ocean. In front of the window sat a small table which was full of assorted beverages and snacks. The living room was dominated by three card tables which had been set up for the occasion. Pushed up against the walls were two large sofas, a couple of chairs and assorted small tables and lamps. Along one wall was a huge television and an industrial-looking rack filled with a lot of high-tech equipment, of which Orlando only recognized a stereo receiver and a VCR. The whole front wall was kind of a glass atrium which held several easels with canvasses in various states of completion.

Hugo waved from the living room, "Orli! You made it!” Orlando waved back and hung his jacket in the closet to his immediate right. Across the small entry area from the closet was a staircase.

Standing at the kitchen counter slicing lemons, Viggo acknowledged Orlando's arrival, "Hello, Orlando. I'm glad you decided to come."

Orlando bit his tongue to calm himself down before answering, "Yeah, well, thanks for inviting me.” His voice didn't crack, so the evening was off to a good start. "Anything I can do to help?" 

“Actually, I think I’ve got everything under control. Thanks, though,” the older man purred. OK, so maybe he didn’t purr but Orlando still thought it sounded pretty damn sexy. As far as he was concerned Viggo could read the telephone book aloud and sound sexy. “Orlando?”

Orlando started, “Sorry, what?” He really needed to start paying attention.

“I said you should grab whatever you want to drink and go find an empty chair,” Viggo said with a chuckle, “I think we’ve got enough space for everyone.”

“Okey-dokey,” Orlando said and immediately mentally smacked himself in the forehead. Okey-dokey? Gah. Real slick, Orlando. Wincing, he grabbed a beer from the tub of ice on the floor next to the table and stepped down into the living room. 

Bean was busy directing traffic, “Guys, I’m serious. Only one hobbit per table.” Orlando heartily agreed. Maybe separating those three would lower the hyper quotient in the room a bit.

Orlando hung back, taking a long drink of his beer. Sean nodded at him and pointed to an empty chair, “Orli, you can sit here.” The seat he indicated was at the table already populated by Dom and David Wenham. Orlando took the chair next to Dom’s and looked around at the other tables. The one next to theirs contained Elijah, Cate Blanchett and Marton Csokas. At the other table sat Billy, Sir Ian, Hugo and Karl. In a chair a bit behind and to the left of Ian sat Liv, who was apparently just observing. That left an empty chair at Orlando’s table and the table next to his.

Sean scanned the room and said, “All right, anyone need anything before we start?” No one did, so he sat down next to Cate. That left the only empty chair at Orlando’s table, and the only person without a seat was Viggo. Crap. Orlando wasn’t sure he could do this. He looked over at Elijah who was grinning and waggling his eyebrows. Orlando scowled at him and turned back to his own table just as Viggo sat down. 

Dave was shuffling the cards as he said, “Right, then. Everyone throw twenty in and I’ll give you your chips.” Each of them put their twenty dollars in the middle of the table, after which Dave pushed a pile of chips to each of them. 

“OK, so explain this to me,” Elijah said over at the next table.

Sean sighed, “Elijah, you did say you knew how to play, right?”

Elijah rolled his eyes and said, “Yes, DAD, I know how to play poker. I’ve just never used chips before.” Sean snorted at the dad reference.

“So what did you play with, or do I not want to know?” Marton inquired.

Elijah grinned, “Dude, that’s sick! I’m just talking about, like, M&M’s and Skittles and stuff like that.”

“OK,” Dave said, “we play a pretty low-stakes game, so white are nickels, blue are dimes, and red are quarters. Nickel to ante, two-dollar limit per bet. Dealer chooses the game, but nothing too weird.” Dave looked around, “Am I forgetting anything, guys?”

Billy asked, “What’s your definition of weird?”

Dave replied, “Oh, you know, stuff like two-handed armpit draw with sixes and red eight's wild. That or anything involving any orifice of any kind.” During his last remark, Dave was looking pointedly at Marton, who was grinning like a lunatic. Orlando had a feeling these were sometimes some very interesting games. He looked across the table at Viggo, who was shaking his head and smiling. Viggo looked up at Orlando and rolled his eyes as if to say, “These people are all nuts.”

Now that everyone knew what was going on, the game finally got underway. Dave dealt first. As he was doing so, Dom asked the question that Orlando was pretty sure was on all of the hobbits’ minds, “So, what kind of orifices are we talking about, here?”

Karl spoke up from his table, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, it was just your mouth. Dave, you make it sound like something abnormal.”

“It was disgusting,” Dave replied, “I don’t want all of your germs.”

“Not even mine, dear brother?” Sean said with a sweet smile.

“Especially not yours,” Dave said with an even sweeter smile, “you probably have extra from kissing dear old Dad’s ass so much.”

The game continued like this for a while, with people bantering back and forth and laughing and betting and drinking. After a half-hour or so Viggo stood up and announced that he was going to get the food out. A flurry of activity followed while people refreshed their beverages and chose their goodies from the spread Viggo had laid out. Orlando was putting some veggies on his plate when a voice spoke into his left ear.

“You do know that cheese is made from milk, right?” Viggo said. Orlando jumped and a chunk of broccoli fell into the hummus. Viggo apologized, “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

Orlando willed himself not to blush and said, “Oh, no problem. I guess all that elven awareness is out the window for tonight.” Orlando arched his eyebrow. “And yes, I am aware that cheese is made from milk,” Orlando said with a smile, “Actually some of my favorites aren’t even made from cow’s milk.” Viggo looked surprised and Orlando said “Why do you ask?”

“Well I feel really silly right now, but I had heard you were a practicing vegan,” Viggo said with an apologetic look. “I was actually coming over here to tell you which crackers were OK.”

Orlando chuckled, “Well, that was very thoughtful of you, but the whole vegan thing is a rumor.” Orlando pointed down to his feet, which were encased in leather boots. “I have no idea where it started, but it was still nice of you to go to all that trouble.”

Viggo looked sheepish, “Actually, it really wasn’t that much trouble,” he replied. “I tend to avoid dairy myself, and I know some of the others are vegetarians, so there you go.” 

Orlando smiled, trying not to try too hard. “Well, anyhow, thanks for thinking of me. Most people don’t even realize the difference between veggies and vegans.”

Viggo nodded in agreement, “Yeah, Exene tried it for a while, but she couldn’t give up her Pop-Tarts.” Viggo grinned widely and Orlando couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Pop-Tarts, eh? I guess I’ve never had one, so I wouldn’t understand the sacrifice,” Orlando said with a snicker. He looked Viggo in the eye and almost swallowed his tongue. Viggo was looking at him like he was dinner. Orlando stood like a deer in the headlights.

Viggo blinked, almost as if he was bringing himself back to reality. Just then Elijah came over and poked Viggo in the side, “Hey, old man, where’s the powder room?” And just like that, the moment was gone. Viggo turned to Elijah and Orlando turned back to the table. He fished his broccoli out of the hummus and filled the rest of his plate. He wandered over to the counter where Dom was mixing drinks.

“Orli,” Dom inquired, “what’s your poison?”

Orlando debated for a moment. He had planned on just having a few beers, but that scene with Viggo at the snack table had him feeling a bit off. The fact that Viggo had gone to the trouble of preparing special food just for him was making his stomach do flip-flops. “Surprise me.”

Dom cackled and rubbed his hands together, “Orli, my good man, you’re in luck. I’ve just this night perfected my latest creation.” With a wink Dom began mixing. Orlando didn’t pay any attention to what Dom was putting in the drink, mostly because he really didn’t want to know, and partly because he was busy watching Viggo across the kitchen. The older man was moving around, refilling trays and laughing at jokes. When he glanced over at Orlando he winked and grinned, and then turned to answer a question. It happened so quickly Orlando wondered if he had imagined it. Perhaps he had imagined the whole episode. Orlando shook his head and turned back toward Dom. Maybe he was going crazy. 

Dom was finished with his concoction and he handed it to Orlando with a flourish, “Your beverage, sir.” 

Orlando eyed the glass in his hand. The liquid inside was an odd bluish color, but kind of brown at the same time. It was also a bit cloudy, and was garnished within an inch of its life with a lime wedge, a lemon twist, an olive, a cocktail onion and a cherry. He lifted it up to his nose and sniffed, which turned out to be a bad idea because it sent him off on a sneezing fit. Dom smacked him on the back, “Christ, Orli, it’s really not that bad.” 

“Sorry, Dom,” Orlando sputtered, “I think I inhaled a bit of foam.” Orlando took a deep breath, steeled himself, and took a sip of his drink. He was pleasantly surprised, “Hey, this isn’t bad!”

Dom feigned hurt, “Orli, would I give you something that I hadn’t thoroughly tested to the highest of standards?”

Orlando had to laugh, “Umm, yes?” He took another sip. “What’s in this? It’s really quite good.”

“It’s a secret,” Dom whispered, “but I will tell you this much; if I told you what’s in it, you wouldn’t want to drink it.”

Orlando cringed, “OK, don’t tell me until later, then.” Dom was most likely telling the truth about the ingredients causing him to not want to drink it. The younger man tended to combine things that had no business being in the same room with each other, let alone the same glass. Despite his mad scientist approach, more often than not his concoctions turned out to be very tasty.

Orlando made his way back to his table and sat down. Dave was already seated and peered at his drink suspiciously, “What in the bloody hell is that?” 

Just then Dom bounced over to sit down. He grinned at Dave, “I can assure you there is no blood of any kind contained in that glass.” 

Dave rolled his eyes and laughed. He looked over at Orlando and said, “Are you actually going to drink that? It looks like someone put a Smurf in the blender.” Dom snorted at this comparison and began to shuffle the cards.

“Actually,” Orlando said, “Dom is something of an evil genius when it comes to mixing drinks.” He took another sip and yes, it still tasted good. Sometimes Dom’s creations lost their appeal the more a person consumed.

Just then a shriek erupted from the kitchen. Dom giggled, “Elijah screams like a girl.” Indeed, in the next moment Elijah emerged from the kitchen grumping about ranch dip in his ear. Dom and Orlando exchanged an amused look. Billy loved to give people what he called “Wet Willys” which, as far as Orlando could tell, involved sticking a wet finger in someone’s ear. Billy liked to use various things as wetting agents, the stickier and colder, the better. Orlando had once been awakened from a nap with a chocolate pudding “Willy”. Billy sat back down at his table, licking his pinky finger in smug satisfaction.

Everyone was pretty much settled back down when Viggo finally came back to the table. He was shaking his head and grumbling good-naturedly about Billy acting his age. Dom grinned and said “But Vig, he’s the youngest hobbit. He’s just ‘living in his character’s skin’.” Dominic made little air quotes with his fingers during the last part, looking slyly at Viggo. Orlando and Dave tried not to laugh. Viggo had become notorious for staying in character a great deal of the time. It wasn’t unusual to see him at the pub still wearing his sword. Orlando found this extremely sexy. Of course, Orlando also found it extremely sexy when Viggo cleared his throat.

Viggo rolled his eyes and huffed, “I get no respect around here.” Then he rubbed his hands together, “So, you boys ready for me to take some more of your money?”

Orlando was beginning to feel the effects of Dom’s concoction, which made him a little bit bold, “Take it easy, old man, I was just warming up before.” He grinned to soften the barb.

Dom cackled and squirmed in his seat. “Oh goodie,” he said, “Orli’s gonna whup some royal ass!”

“Literally,” Dave added.

Dom turned to Dave with a solemn look on his face, “When you say literally do you mean the whuppin’ part or the royal part?”

“Well,” Dave answered earnestly, “I was thinking of the royal part, but the whuppin’ part would probably be fun, too.”

“Ooh, yeah,” Dom looked excited now, “I mean, Viggo does have a pretty nice ass. I mean, for a guy. Not that I was looking or anything. Shut up.” Orlando was laughing so hard by this point that he almost fell off his chair. Viggo was watching the exchange with an amused look on his face.

Dave squinted at Viggo, “Well, speaking as a completely straight man,” he looked over at Dom, who nodded, “I can objectively say, what with being secure in my own heterosexuality and all, that yes, he does have a rather nice ass.” Now Viggo was laughing and Orlando was practically hyperventilating.

Dave and Dom kept up their comedy routine for a bit longer until Viggo finally said, “Guys, I think Orlando is going to pull a muscle.” Dom and Dave shrugged at each other and immediately Dom began shuffling the cards and Dave picked up a carrot to munch on. Orlando struggled to get himself under control as Dom dealt the next hand.

Orlando arranged the cards in his hand and then polished off his drink. He found he was nicely buzzed, not having eaten much most of the day. He decided to cool it with the alcohol, both because he had been out with the hobbits the night before and because he didn’t want to make an ass of himself in front of Viggo.

The game continued as it had been, with people getting up from time to time to refill drinks and plates or to use the bathroom. The hobbits were managing to be quite obnoxious despite Sean’s effort to separate them. Elijah was getting somewhat tipsy, as he was known to do from time to time. At this particular moment he was pontificating rather loudly about the miraculous effects of the cinema. “I mean, it’s almost like, we’re like, counselors or something.”

Groans went up around the room. “Seriously guys,” Elijah slurred, “movies, like, make people feel better.”

Oh God,” Billy groaned, “here we go again.”

Cate raised an eyebrow, “Again? You mean this is a regular occurrence?”

Dom said, “Oh, yeah, he’s got a whole philosophy about ‘The Power of Cinema’ when he’s drunk.”

“M’not drunk,” Elijah protested, “sides, we do make people feel better.”

Orlando rolled his eyes, “Somebody’s feeling a little self-important tonight.”

Viggo chuckled and said, “One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”

“Wittgenstein?” Sir Ian inquired from across the room.

“Husserl,” Viggo replied.

Orlando was busy trying to decide if he wanted two or three cards and said absently, “Actually, it was Russell.” He asked Dom for two cards. When the cards weren’t forthcoming he looked up from his hand. Every eye in the place was on him, and the room was completely silent. Orlando rolled his eyes and repeated his request, “Dom, two please.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a very brief mention of animal neglect. Nothing graphic, but be aware. Also, I haven’t got the faintest idea whether or not they have raccoons in New Zealand. Deal with it.

Dom and Dave reached across the table and snapped each other’s jaws shut. Dom’s mouth was moving but no sound was coming out. Finally he managed to croak, “Wha?”

Orlando sighed, “I said may I please have two cards.” He glanced over at Viggo who was openly staring at him with a look somewhere between wonder and astonishment. Orlando blushed and ducked his head back down to his cards.

The entire room was still silent and Orlando was becoming increasingly embarrassed. Finally Billy spoke up and said, “Well, is he right?” 

Everyone in the room now turned to stare at either Viggo or Sir Ian, who had regained his composure and answered, “Yes, actually. Wittgenstein was a student of Russell's, so I often mix the two up.” The older man looked at Orlando approvingly, “That was an excellent catch, Orlando.”

Orlando blushed again and snuck a peek at Viggo who was still staring at him, except now he had a huge grin on his face. Orlando held the older man’s eyes for a moment and blushed from head to toe. “S’not a big deal,” he mumbled, lowering his eyes and trying not to grin himself.

Just then Elijah stood up and announced rather loudly that he had to go to the bathroom. Orlando seized the opportunity and jumped up, “I’ve got to head there, too, so I’ll just make sure Lij finds his way up there all right.” Before anyone could say anything he hurried over to the foot of the stairs where Elijah was teetering a bit. He grabbed the younger man’s elbow, “C’mon, Lij, let’s see if we can do this without causing any damage.”

Elijah giggled. “T’me or the stairs?” he slurred. 

“Either,” Orlando answered. The two men made their way up the staircase without incident. The upstairs of Viggo’s house looked much like the downstairs. It was warm and inviting and comfortable looking. Elijah headed down the hall and through the first door on the right, which Orlando really hoped was the bathroom. 

He looked around the hallway, which had a small sitting area with a huge overstuffed chair and a small table stacked with all kinds of reading material as well as various notebooks and photographs. There was only the one door on the right, and two doors on the left, which Orlando assumed were bedrooms. He wandered over to the reading nook and poked gently at one of the piles on the table. He saw Architectural Digest and Mother Jones and several other magazines along with a tattered volume of Emily Dickinson’s poems.

Elijah emerged from the bathroom “You know, Orli, I’m really not all that drunk,” he said with a smile.

“Oh, I know,” Orlando replied. “I just needed to get out of that room for a minute.” He blushed again just thinking about the look Viggo gave him. Truth be told, he was kind of tired of the blushing. It wasn’t exactly what you’d call suave.

“Yeah, Viggo kind of looked like he wanted to jump you right there,” Elijah said slyly while poking Orlando in the side.

Orlando rolled his eyes, “Yeah, right. And, to quote a great man, ‘monkeys might fly out of my butt’.”

Elijah laughed briefly, then his face softened into a warm smile. “Orli,” he said, “you know that people weren’t surprised by what you said because they think you’re stupid, right?” He searched the older man’s eyes, “It’s just that you’ve never said anything like that before.”

Orli managed a weak smile, “Yeah, well, Dom’s concoctions make you do stupid stuff sometimes.”

Elijah put his hands on Orlando’s shoulders. With a serious face he said, “Orli, you really stunned these people tonight, and that’s not an easy task.” He leaned back and put his hands on his hips, “You know, you’re constantly surprising me, and I probably know you better than anyone.”

Orlando put a hand on Elijah’s shoulder. “Thanks, Lij.” he said with a grin, “And you’re constantly surprising me by striking poses that look suspiciously like a twelve-year old girl.”

Elijah dropped his hands to his sides, scowling. He had been trying to break that habit for a month now. “All right, shut up.” Elijah then grinned, “I’m going back down, m’kay?” 

Without waiting for an answer Elijah bounded off down the stairs. Orlando shook his head and walked into the bathroom. Elijah could be annoying sometimes, but as far as friends went, he was pretty great. Orlando did his business and went to the sink to wash up. He was tempted to look in the medicine cabinet but he figured Viggo was the kind of person who probably noticed if things were out of place, so he decided against it. He stared at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands. He knew Elijah was right, that people didn’t think he was stupid, but he knew most of them thought he was still just a kid. Some days Orlando wasn’t too sure himself. 

He dried his hands and walked back out into the hall. As he was passing the second bedroom door, he thought he heard something. He paused to listen and he heard it again. It sounded like an animal that wanted to get out, but as far as Orlando knew, Viggo didn’t have a dog. He decided to investigate in case it was a raccoon or something that had snuck in. He opened the door a crack and a strange pink eye surrounded by white fur peered out at him. He opened the door a little more and saw that it was indeed a dog. At least, he was pretty sure it was a dog. It was small and furry and definitely not a raccoon, but it was a very strange looking little scrap of life. Orlando thought it kind of looked like Dr. Frankenstein’s Pekingese. It had a nose that looked kind of like a pig’s, and its eyes were the same color as its nose. Its legs were kind of bowed and its fur was patchy and uneven. It was by far the ugliest dog Orlando had ever seen.

He sat down on the floor to get a closer look. “Hey there, pup,” he said softly, “what’s the matter?” The dog answered by closing the gap between it and Orlando and giving the man a nice hello lick. Orlando laughed and began to scratch behind the creature’s ears. He continued to play with it until he heard a noise right behind him. “His name is Smooshy,” Viggo said.

Orlando jumped. He hadn’t heard the older man coming up the stairs. Damned Rangers. He looked up sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snoop.” Orlando apologized, “I heard scratching and I wasn’t sure what it was.” Smooshy licked his neck.

Viggo squatted down to pet the dog. He smiled at Orlando and said, “It’s OK, he probably needs to go out.” The dog walked over to Viggo and licked his neck, too. Viggo then sat down on the floor next to Orlando and rolled the dog over to rub its belly.

Orlando was afraid he was going to melt from the cuteness of the scene. He then realized he should say something. Maybe something cool or intelligent. The best he could come up with was, “I didn’t know you had a dog.” Oh boy, that was cool AND intelligent, right?

Viggo was still rubbing the dog’s belly. He looked up at Orlando. “I didn’t until the day before yesterday,” he said. “I found him on my way home and tried to take him back to his home, but apparently the people moved away.”

“And just left their dog behind?” Orlando was incredulous. How could someone leave a pet behind?

Viggo’s face darkened, “Yeah, well, people can be real shitheads sometimes, pardon my language.” The older man picked up the little dog and cradled it in his arm like a baby and continued to rub its tummy. This was just getting out of control. Orlando didn’t know how much more adorable he could take.

“I called the RSPCA,” Viggo was saying, “and they said if the owners were gone the only thing they could do was take him in and try to find a home for him.” Viggo smiled down at the odd-looking creature, “I just couldn’t stand the thought of him being abandoned by his family and then getting stuck in what basically amounts to doggy jail.”

“I know what you mean,” Orlando said, “when I was younger I tried volunteering at our local animal shelter but my mom had to make me stop after the third kitten I brought home.” He realized he was watching Viggo’s hand on the dog’s belly as if hypnotized. He blinked and forced himself to look up at Viggo’s face.

Viggo was still smiling. “Would you mind taking him out to do his business?” he asked. “That way I can do mine at the same time.”

“Oh, sure,” Orlando said, rather stupidly, he thought, “no problem.” Viggo walked into the room Smooshy had been in and returned with a leash. He hooked the leash onto Smooshy’s collar and set the dog on the floor.

Smooshy began to dance around excitedly, whining and letting out little yelps, which sounded an awful lot like a bullfrog’s croak. Orlando couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry, Viggo,” he said, “but that is the strangest looking dog I have ever seen.”

Viggo smiled down at the furry little creature, “Yeah, he’s pretty ugly, isn’t he?” He reached down to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “He kind of grows on you, though.”

“I can see that,” Orlando said with a smile. “Any particular spot outside?”

Viggo shrugged, “Just out in the side yard. He seems to be pretty well-trained, so he shouldn’t take long.” He gave the dog a final pat and straightened up, “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Orlando replied, “after all, you did prepare all that vegan fare especially for me.” He winked and turned to go down the stairs. He heard Viggo chuckle as he descended the staircase. Holy crap, had he just made a clever comment without blushing or throwing up? Yep, definitely cool, provided he didn’t trip on his way down the stairs.


	5. Chapter 5

Orlando waved as Liv drove away in Elijah’s car with three hobbits in varying stages of drunkenness in tow. Hugo had left the party early, complaining of a headache, but since Orlando could see no sign of the older man’s car, he figured that “headache” actually meant “going to the pub and finding someone to shag silly”.

After Orlando entered the house and hung up his coat, he stopped in the kitchen for a glass of water. He always made sure to drink a really big glass after consuming any of Dom’s inventions. He had learned that lesson the hard way, an incident for which his makeup artist had yet to forgive him.

As he was standing at the sink, Orlando thought back over the evening. After making it down the stairs without tripping (Go Orlando, it’s your birthday!), he had quietly slipped out the front door, not sure whether Viggo wanted people to know about the dog or not. The furry blob of life promptly trotted around the side of the house, looking for the perfect spot on which to deposit his goodies. Good lord, when had he started thinking in such cheesy metaphors? 

When Smooshy was done with, um, (his? her?) its business, it was apparently time for a bit of a stroll. Orlando followed after the dog, which was rounding the side of the house facing the ocean. Smooshy led them out onto the beach a little ways and plopped down in the sand. Orlando wasn’t in any particular hurry to go back inside, so he plopped down right next to the creature. Smooshy thoughtfully rolled over so that Orlando could rub his tummy. As he absently stroked the tiny belly, he gazed out at the ocean. He had to blink a few times and rub his eyes a bit, because there was no way the moon could possibly be that big and bright.

“Pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Orlando jumped as Viggo came up behind him. Viggo laughed and said “I think sneaking up on an Elf three times in one night deserves some kind of reward.”

Orlando blushed. Again. He was getting concerned about heat stroke at this point. He laughed weakly, “Just don’t tell Peter, he might take away my ears.”

Viggo smiled as he sat down next to Orlando, “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” He then looked out at the ocean and said, “It really does look like you could reach out and touch the moon, doesn’t it?”

Orlando nodded his agreement, “It’s pretty incredible.” He looked at the older man and smiled, “You do know that ‘Lij is incredibly jealous of your house.”

“Oh, yes,” Viggo chuckled, “I hear about it on a pretty regular basis.” He affected a high, whiny tone, “’Viiiiiiigoooooo, you don’t even surf. It’s, like, totally unfair.’”

Orlando laughed at his impression, “That’s one of the best Elijah’s I’ve heard.” 

Just then the door behind them opened and Bean yelled, “Viggo, where do you keep the paper towels?”

Viggo groaned. He turned to Orlando and rolled his eyes, “I guess that’s my cue to go inside.” He gave Smooshy a quick scratch and said, “Would you mind taking him back upstairs? He doesn’t seem to be fond of big groups, so I’d rather not subject him to the madness inside."

Orlando had snuck the dog back upstairs and quietly slipped back into his seat. Dom and Dave seemed to have forgotten about the earlier incident and were back in prime smart-ass form.

"Fall in, Orli?" Dom asked while valiantly attempting to make a skyscraper out of crackers. Orlando rolled his eyes as the whole-grain structure toppled over. The rest of the evening had been pretty uneventful, which was fine with Orlando. 

As he drifted off to sleep, he realized he hadn't thanked Viggo for the invite. He thought about calling right then, but decided his mother would be much more appalled by a three A.M. phone call than by a delayed thank you the next day.


	6. Chapter 6

Over the next few weeks, Smooshy became the unofficial set mascot. Viggo tried leaving him at home, but the pudgy little creature had apparently decided that Viggo’s house was his personal chew toy. So one morning, Orlando walked out of wardrobe to find several hobbit children playing with the little furball. He couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes.

The more Smooshy was around the set, however, the more people couldn’t help but notice that the strange creature definitely played favorites. The four principal hobbits, for example, were definite frontrunners because of their free hand with all things food related. Smooshy also seemed to be partial to Liv’s particular brand of baby-talk, even though it made everyone human around her want to strangle the elf. Besides Viggo, however, the most obvious favorite was Orlando. Whenever the actor sat down, the dog was on his lap. If he was shooting a scene, Smooshy was silent and still from “Action” to “Cut”. 

“It’s kinda freaky,” Elijah commented one day, “almost like you guys have some kind of telepathy or something.”

Orlando smirked, “Lij, have you been taking candy from the grips again?”

Elijah just rolled his eyes and said, “Dude, you’re the one who has a psychic connection with a DOG. Although...” he trailed off.

“Although what?” Orlando asked, even though he knew he was going to be sorry.

“Well,” Elijah grinned mischievously, “maybe Smooshy here is hip to your looooove vibes. He’s just trying to help a brotha get his groove on.”

“Lij, first of all, ghetto-speak doesn’t work on a boy as white as you,” Orlando paused for the inevitable “Hey!” from Elijah, “And second, shut up before I have to smack you, yet again.”

“Wait, we’re smacking Lij?” Dom, having just walked up, seemed excited. “That’s the best idea I’ve heard in minutes.”

Elijah put on his best drama queen expression and huffed “I really don’t think I need to stand here and take this abuse.” Then he swirled around and stalked off.

Dom just shrugged, “Well, let me know about the smacking, eh Orli? Later.”

Orlando smiled after the two younger men. He looked down at the little dog at his feet. “Hey, Smoosh,” he said, “fancy a snack?” The furry creature wiggled his assent. The two made their way to the craft services tent where Orlando gave the dog a small piece of turkey and took a couple of carrot sticks for himself. He grabbed a bottle of water and a bowl for Smooshy and sat down at a table. He poured some of the water into the dish and Smooshy lapped it up happily. Orlando drank his water and crunched his carrot slowly, thinking about what Elijah had said.


End file.
